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RingMaster · Posted: Thu Dec 15, 2005 3:16 pm Post subject: Things i wish i never said

Ten Things I Wish I Never Actually Said/To Whom/and Why

1. ". . . what we've said heretofore."/To my assistant on the phone/Because my wife who overheard the conversation thought the use of the word "heretofore" sounded ridiculous.

2. "Whenever I enter a room, I immediately believe I'm the smartest one in it."/To one of my bosses/Because too often, I quickly find out I'm not.

3. "Then you'll never have to see me alive again!"/To my mother in an argument when I was eighteen/Because it didn't sound anywhere near as dramatically cool aloud as it did in my head the day before.

4. "What did you do to your arm?"/To a classmate in the 9th grade whom I hadn't met before/Because it looked like she had her left arm in a sling, but in reality was missing it.

5. "Did you hurt your leg playing b-ball with everyone else?"/To a classmate in college I hadn't met before/Because it looked like his left leg was in a cast or a brace, but in reality it was a prosthetic.

6. "Did you ever really love me?"/To my wife, my girlfriend at the time/Because, of course, she really had.

7. "No."/To my daughter any time she asked for something she wasn't supposed to have/Because I'd gladly give her my still beating heart if she really, really wanted it.

8. "We're going to win this game! My curse is broken!"/To my wife at a Mariners-Red Sox game/Because Red Sox left-fielder Troy O'Leary promptly hit the game-winning dinger.

9. "There is no God."/Jokingly to my friends while playing Yahtzee in college/Because He probably doesn't think that's very funny.

10. "Can you write these things down? I have a great idea for a new piece."/To my wife while I was driving/Because halfway through, I realized I didn't want her hearing any of these any more than I wanted to recall them.