Jokes

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:48 pm Post subject:

These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar.
"I don't get it," complained the first guy, "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"
"Yeah," replies his buddy, "He's not even a very good conversationally, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:48 pm Post subject:

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:49 pm Post subject:

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"
The guy replies "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:49 pm Post subject:

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis.
Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y.
Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.
The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"
The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day".

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:49 pm Post subject:

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, "A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please."
So they proceed to drink. Then: "...a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too"
And they keep drinking all evening.
Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave.
The bartender shouts out, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lying on the floor, are you?"
The guy replies "That's not a lion... it's a giraffe."

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:49 pm Post subject:

There's three dogs, a Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog all sat in a bar having a quiet drink when a great-looking female Collie strolls in.
She comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a single sentence can have their way with me."
Quickly, the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
She laughs and says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:50 pm Post subject:

One night, after a long evening of drinking. Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual.
On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road. After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police. As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:50 pm Post subject:

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."
"Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:50 pm Post subject:

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."