Jokes

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:47 pm Post subject: more doc jokes

A patient wakes up following an operation to find the doctor standing at the foot of the bed. "Doctor, how did it go?"
"I have good news and bad news", says the doctor.
"Give me the good news, I feel terrible and I need cheering up"
"The good news is that we managed to save your testicles"
"Thats terrific. What's the bad news?"
"They are under your pillow."

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:47 pm Post subject:

A married couple go to hospital together to have their baby delivered. When they arrive, the doctor says they have just taken delivery of a new machine which transfers a portion of the mother's pain to the father.
"Would you be willing to try it out?" asks the doctor.
"Yes of course," says the husband, who is very much a Sensitive New Age Guy. As the woman goes into labour, the doctor sets the machine to 10 per cent and asks the man if it hurts.
"No, it's fine," he says. The doctor raises the setting to 20 per cent. "Still okay," says the man. The doctor gradually lifts the setting to 50 per cent. The husband closes his eyes and grits his teeth, but insists he can cope without any problem, so the doctor raises it gradually to 75 per cent.
"I can take it," says the husband. "Give me the full 100 per cent." So the doctor does, and the wife bears the baby with no pain at all. The doctor goes off to write up the case for The Lancet, while the couple take their baby home.
On the doorstep they find the wife's tennis coach dead.

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:47 pm Post subject:

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"
"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?"
"Oh.. Half a pack a day."
"Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"
"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while."
"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"
"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."
"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet: you are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."
The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"
"Do you want to live long?"
"Yes."
"Absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"
"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.
"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."
The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"
"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:47 pm Post subject:

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:48 pm Post subject:

One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy and while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year old son.
It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil-covered chocolate candy coins). There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.
The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's this?"
The woman, looking very serious, said, "That's a condom, son."
To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!"
With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied, "Those are NOT for children, young man."
And finally, my son replied, "Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!"

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:48 pm Post subject:

A Grandpa walks into a grandson's apartment and sees a condom on the table.
'What's this?' demands the grandfather.
'It's a condom' replies the grandson sheepishly.
'What do you use it for?' asks Gramps.
The guy is surprised that his grandpa really doesn't know what a condom is, and replies 'I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain'
To his surprise his grandpa says 'That's a great idea,' and goes off to the drug store. He asks the pharmacist for a condom.
'What size would you like' asks the pharmacist.
'Oh, big enough to fit a camel'

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:48 pm Post subject:

A penguin was passing the drug store when he decided he wanted to go in. He walks in the door (ring ring ring, waddle waddle waddle) he waddles up to the counter. 'Can I help you mister penguin?'
'Yes, do you have any plums?'
'No, penguin, this is a drugstore.'
'Thank you.' The penguin leaves (waddle waddle waddle)
A while latter the penguin passes by again and once again goes inside. (ring ring ring, waddle waddle waddle) He waddles to the counter. 'Excuse me, do you have any plums?'
'NO, penguin! this is a drug store!'
'Very well then, thank you.'
'If you come back in here again penguin, I will nail your cute little feet to the floor.'
'Oh, well, thank you' The penguin waddles out the door.
A while latter the penguin goes back into the store. (ring ring ring, waddle waddle waddle) 'Excuse me sir.'
'WHAT!!!!!!????????'
'Do you have any nails?'
'NO! penguin, this is a drug store!!!'
'Oh, well then, do you have any plums?'

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:48 pm Post subject:

A retired pharmacist was having trouble with his memory. He couldn't remember anything and his wife was having trouble with her memory, too.
The pharmacist read in the paper one evening about a memory doctor who could help restore memory. He called his wife over and told her to read the ad. She thought it sounded pretty good and said, "I think we ought to see that doctor."
He said, "I think we should, too." So, they went to see the memory doctor.
After seeing the doctor for about 6 weeks, the pharmacist and his wife went down to the senior citizen centre and ran into one of their old friends.
The friend said, "I understand you're going to the memory doctor."
The pharmacist said, "Yes, that's right; we're both going."
His friend asked, "Is he any good?"
"Is he any good?" said the pharmacist, "He's the best doctor we've ever been to, he's really good!"
His friend said, "You know, I'm having trouble with my memory, too. I think I ought to see that doctor. What's the doctor's name?"
The pharmacist hesitated, "What's the doctor's name...what's the doctor's name?" He said, "Look, there's a flower with a real long stem, the stem has little green leaves and there are thorns sticking out of the stem. At the top of the stem is a big bulb flower that comes in all different colours. What do you call that?"
His friend said, "Why, that's a rose."
The pharmacist said, "Yeah, that's right, rose." He turned to his wife and said, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of that doctor we've been going to?"

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:49 pm Post subject:

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist.
"What's could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?" So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the same man is back, he buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk, go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:49 pm Post subject:

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:49 pm Post subject:

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:
"Hey look, I'm a vet, I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:49 pm Post subject:

4 MDs and 4 PhDs are going to a meeting by train. The 4 MDs each have their own ticket, but the 4 PhDs (who have little money, of course) have 1 ticket among them.
The MDs ask the PhDs (in a caring manner), "How are you going to manage with just one ticket between the ten of you?"
"Just watch," reply the PhDs. They all get on the train and the 4 MDs take their seats and hand their tickets to the conductor. But the PhDs all pile into a bathroom, and when the conductor comes by, a single arm reaches out and gives him the ticket.
The MDs, feeling enlightened, decide to try the same thing on the way home, so they purchase just one ticket among ten of them. The PhDs buy no ticket at all.
"How are you going to get home?" ask the MDs.
"Just watch." the PhDs reply. When they get on the train, all the MDs pile into a bathroom. 3 of PhDs get into another bathroom.
The fourth Ph.D. then knocks on the MDs' bathroom door and says "Ticket please."

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:50 pm Post subject:

A boy and his mother stood looking at a dentist's showcase.
"If I had to have false teeth, mother, I'd take that pair," said the small boy, pointing.
"Hush, Willie," interposed the mother quickly, shaking his arm, "Haven't I told you it's bad manners to pick your teeth in public?"

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:50 pm Post subject:

"I am sorry, madam, but I shall have to charge you ten dollars for pulling your boy's tooth."
"Ten dollars! Why, I understood you to say that you charged only two dollars for such work!"
"Yes," replied the dentist, "but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared out four other patients out of the office."

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:50 pm Post subject:

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to the doctor where he is told the illness is quite serious but can be cured by a small course of 2 suppositories inserted deep up his back passage.
The doctor then tells the man to bend over whilst he shoves the first one all the way up. The Doc then tells the man to repeat in 6 hours time.
At home 6 hours later, he can't do it himself so asks his wife to help. After telling her what to do, she nods, and puts one hand on his shoulder and shoves really hard. The man screams in

.
"What's the matter," asks the wife, "Did I hurt you ?"
"No," replies the man, "but I've just realised that when the doctor did that, he had both hands on my shoulders."