Jokes

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:35 pm Post subject:

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.
"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."
The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:35 pm Post subject:

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:36 pm Post subject:

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone.
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion."

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:36 pm Post subject:

Three nurses arrive at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first why he should admit her.
She replies that she has been an emergency room nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of lives.
"OK", he says, "Come on in!"
The second reports that he has been an ICU nurse and he, too, has saved thousands and thousands of lives.
St. Peter lets him in, too. St. Peter asks the third nurse the same question.
She replies that she has been a managed care nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of dollars for the insurance company.
St. Peter replies, "OK. Come on in. But you can only stay three days."

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:36 pm Post subject:

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies.
The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a boat."
He holds up the third picture.
"A man and a woman making love at the beach."
This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.
At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, "It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex."
And the man replies, "Well, you're the one with the dirty pictures."

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:37 pm Post subject:

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" ask the others.
"I don't wake up until nine!"

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:41 pm Post subject:

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon. When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule.
So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15.
This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot. The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three.
These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.
One germ said, "I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don't think the antibiotics will find me there".
A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don't think they'll find me there."
The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:42 pm Post subject:

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this really bad flatulence problem, but they don't stink and don't make a sound."
The doctor says "O.K., take two of these pills every day for two weeks and come back."
A week later the lady comes back really mad and says, "Now, not only do I fart a lot, but they stink really bad!"
The doctor then said, "Now that we have your sinuses cleared, let's work on your hearing!"

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:42 pm Post subject:

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him ... BUMP... ....BUMP... ....BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ... faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything ... but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin ...
.... and of course
... the coffin stops!

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:43 pm Post subject:

An Irish surgeon who had couched a cataract and restored the sight of a poor woman in Dublin, observed in her case what he deemed a phenomenon in optics; on which he called together his professional brethren, declaring himself unequal to the solution.
He stated to them that the sight of his patient was so perfectly restored, that she could see to thread the smallest needle, or to perform any other operation, which required particular accuracy of vision; but that when he presented her with a book, she was not capable of distinguishing one letter from another!
This very singular case excited the ingenuity of all the gentlemen present, and various solutions were offered, but none could command the general assent.
Doubt crowded on doubt, and the problem grew darker from every explanation, when at length, by a question put by the servant who attended, it was discovered that the woman never learned to read!

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:43 pm Post subject:

Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
The Doctor said, "Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table." She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her private parts.
After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"
" Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear!"

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:46 pm Post subject:

A deaf mute walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five-dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."