Jokes

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:28 pm Post subject:

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighbourhood, so for public safety, he was committed.
He was put in a room with another crazy, and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"
The other guy looked at him and declared, "I did not!"

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:28 pm Post subject:

A pretty young lady named Nancy just broke off her engagement to a young doctor.
" Do you mean to tell me," exclaimed her friend, "that he actually asked you to return all the presents?"
Nancy: "Not only that, but he also sent me a bill for house calls."

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:28 pm Post subject:

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for £600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:29 pm Post subject:

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:30 pm Post subject:

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:31 pm Post subject:

The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies.
When they get to the movie theatre, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited because they think maybe he's in touch with reality now.
So they ask him, "Why did you put the newspaper down first?"
He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view."

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:31 pm Post subject:

A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup. He turned out to be absolutely gorgeous! He told her he was going to put his hand on her back and he wanted her to say "Eighty-eight."
"Eighty-eight," she purred.
"Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your throat and I want you to again say 'Eighty-eight.'"
"Eighhty...eighhhhtttt."
"Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your chest and I want you once more to say 'Eighty-eight.'"
"One, two, three, four, five..."

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:31 pm Post subject:

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:32 pm Post subject:

A man walks into a doctor's office and says, "I have a problem with my dick!"
The lady at the counter says, "Sir, we do not say words like that at the doctors office! Now leave and come back and replace "Dick" with some other body part like "Ear."
The man does as he's told and comes back in and says, "I have a problem with my ear."
The lady the says, "What is that?"
To which the man replied, "I can't piss out of it!"

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:32 pm Post subject:

A man stops by his regular doctor with this strange discolouring of his genitals. The doctor was quite amazed. He had never seen such a shade of orange on a man's privates.
After a very thorough examination, the befuddled doctor finally confessed he had no ideas.
So he said to the man "I don't quite understand what is going on here." Then he asked, "so tell me what is it you do?"
The man said, "not much, really."
The doctor asked, "Do you work?"
The man replied, "no I have been laid off for months."
The doctor then said, "well, what is it that you do all day?"
The man replied "not much really, I sit around, watching porno's and eating cheetos all day..."

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:34 pm Post subject:

Three woman and their children were outside their psychiatrist's office. The wily old doctor was able to diagnose any complaint after asking the patient a few questions.
The first woman went in and the doctor asked her a few questions and proclaimed: "Madam, all you ever think is food! That is why you named you daughter Candy!"
"Why," exclaimed the woman, "you're absolutely right, doctor!"
Then it was the second woman's turn. She got the same treatment and the doctor pronounced: "Madam, you're obsessed with the thought of money. That is why you named you daughter Penny!"
"You're right, doctor!" exclaimed the second woman and left.
The third woman, who had been listening to all this, got up indignantly and said: "What rubbish! I don't believe a single word you said. Obsessions indeed!"
Then waving to her little son to follow her, she said: "Let's go home now Dick."

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:34 pm Post subject:

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more.
The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:34 pm Post subject:

A guy walks into a doctor's office and stutters, "Da-da-doc, I've ba-ba-been sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can't stand it anymo-mo-more! Can you he-he-help me?"
The doctor answers "Well, I'll have to give you a thorough examination first, but in some cases there is a cure." So the doctor puts the guy through a battery of tests, and says, "I think I know what's causing your stuttering."
The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wa-wa-what is it, da- da-doctor?"
"It's your penis. I know that sounds crazy, but you have an unusually large penis - it's almost two feet long. It seems the weight is putting a strain on your vocal cords which most men never have to deal with."
The guy asks, "Wa-wa-what can we da-da-do?"
"Well, we could remove it and transplant a shorter one."
"Do it!" the guy replies. So they go through the operation, and three weeks later the guy comes in for a follow up appointment.
He says, "Doc, you solved my stuttering problem. I don't know how to thank you. But I've only had sex once in three weeks - my wife just doesn't like it anymore with my new, shorter penis. I've thought about it, and I decided I can put up with the stuttering easier than going without the sex - I want you to put my long one back on."
The doctor says, "No-no-nope. A da-da-deal's a da-da- deal!"

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:34 pm Post subject:

Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull over by some shrubbery and the guy goes to relieve himself.
Suddenly, he screams "Aaagh! a rattler bit my cock!"
"Relax!" says his friend, "I'll go find a pay phone and call a doctor." So his friend drives off and finds a pay phone, call a doctor and asks what he should do.
"Well," said the doc," you must cut crosses in the wound and suck out the poison."
"Is that the only way Doc?" asked the man.
"Yes, you must do that or he'll die."
He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked "So, what did the doctor say?"
"You're gonna die, buddy. You're gonna die."

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:35 pm Post subject:

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."