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RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:38 pm Post subject:

A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."
"That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened?" the man asked again.
The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."
"Again?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" then man asked, intrigued.
"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail."
"Wow, you must have been pretty upset! but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.
"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:38 pm Post subject:

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda, no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to piss."

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:38 pm Post subject:

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he decides to crawl the 4 miles home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?"
He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:43 pm Post subject:

The waitress walks up to one of her tables and is shocked to see three Japanese men, all sat there masturbating violently.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she screams.
One of the Japanese guys looks up and says, "Well, it says on the menu, First come, First served!"

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:51 pm Post subject:

A guy walks up to a girl in a bar and asks, "Do you want to play magic?"
"What's that?" she replies.
Grinning a little, he continues, "You come back to my place, have sex, then disappear."

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:51 pm Post subject:

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there.
He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. "Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?"
"As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans.
"Do you have change for a dollar?"

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:51 pm Post subject:

There are two pieces of tarmac sitting by the side of the bar, and they are having a drinking contest, to see which one is the hardest.
After 12 shots of vodka, both pieces of tarmac are still unfazed, when suddenly the door opens and a red piece of tarmac walks in.
Upon which seeing the red piece of tarmac, one piece of tarmac runs straight for the bathroom.
An hour later, he ventures out and discovers that the red piece of tarmac has left.
Upon seeing the other piece of tarmac, he is asked why he ran off.
To this he replies
"Haven't you heard about him?, He's a CYCLE-PATH !!!!!!"

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:51 pm Post subject:

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar...

FREE BEER!
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON
WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there."
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:52 pm Post subject:

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"
"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"
"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:52 pm Post subject:

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can.
He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!"
After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:52 pm Post subject:

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."
So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir" he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!"
The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?"
"I'm from Dublin" came the reply.
"Me too! What street do you live on?"
"McCarthy street"
The second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?"
"162" the first man replies.
"Me too! What are your parents names?"
"Connor and Shannon"
The second man, almost dumbfounded says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts.
The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?"
"Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though."

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:57 pm Post subject:

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.
After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water.
On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half-dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.
As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp . They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3- wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get one wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good one."
The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!"
"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer.
"Great move, Einstein", said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. "Now where are we going to pee?"

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:58 pm Post subject:

Four gays in the bar and only one stool.

What do they do?

Turn it over!

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:58 pm Post subject:

Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away.
The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:58 pm Post subject:

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said, "Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me that I'll kick your fucking head in!"