RingMaster
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Men Strike BackA Woman's Vocabulary
FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we
feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so we feel that it's an even trade. It takes us "five minutes" to get ready after you're ready to go because we want to look our best and instead of complaining you need to shut up and wait patiently.
NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, backwards and kick your ass. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
OH
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine"
when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty BIG trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
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RingMaster
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You've got mail
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox, and again she opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
"My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
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RingMaster
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Water
Somewhere in a typical suburban household, John sits astride a ladder balancing some dangerous looking power tools and is running a severe risk of self-electrocution.
Enter Jill, Stage Left, Looking very bedraggled, and not happy.
Jill: There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor.
John: Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous.
Jill: I tell you the car has water in the carburettor.
John: You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
Jill: In the pool.
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RingMaster
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How dogs and women are alike
Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have "hip" problems.
Neither understand football.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Neither can balance a check book.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Both put too much value on kissing.
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RingMaster
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Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional and starts to recount a tale.
"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren," says the man. "But yesterday, I picked up two 21-year-old girls, who were hitch-hiking. We went to a hotel where I made love to each of them three times."
"Are you sorry for your sins?" the priest asks.
"What sins?" replies the man.
"What kind of a Catholic are you?" says the priest, clearly shocked by the man's lack of shame.
"I'm not a Catholic, I'm Jewish." the man replies calmly.
"Well why on earth are you telling me all this?" asks the priest getting impatient.
To which the man responds: "Father, I'm telling everybody."
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