A Lady goes to the toy shop to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price. The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she's £20" Lady asks "well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's £20". Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's £150" The lady replies "I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive. The others were only £20. What is so special about divorced Barbie?" The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken's car, his house, and all his other stuff."
RingMaster
Annual meeting of single, straight, emotionally stable, financially secure, intelligent men looking for a long term commitment
RingMaster
One day three guys were out walking, and they found a lamp. So, they rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out. He says "I'll grant you each one wish." These guys weren't so bright, so they all wanted to be smarter. The first guy says "I wish I was 10 times smarter." The genie says "POOF! You're 10 times smarter." The second guy says "I wish to to be 100 times smarter." and the genie says "POOF! You're 100 times smarter." The last guy says "I wish to be 1000 times smarter" And the genie says "POOF!! You're a woman!!"
RingMaster
Blenders
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why
RingMaster
When a Man Cooks For a Woman
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:
The woman goes to the store and buys the food.
The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a soda.
The man places the meat on the grill.
The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is done.
The man takes the meat off the grill and puts it on a plate for the woman.
The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off from cooking?" And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
RingMaster
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? - A rumour
RingMaster
One evening, a young woman came home from a
date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony
proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist.
Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between
the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong
he is."
RingMaster
A pretty young lady goes into a drapery shop with her grandmother.
"How much a metre is it", the young lady asks.
"For you, just one kiss a metre", the young salesman replies.
She agrees and is given the order.
The young man awaits in great expectation.
"Granny please pay the man"
RingMaster
Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don't know. Never happens.
RingMaster
Dear Tech Support
Help!! Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner dancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Poker Night 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this general purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.
Can you help, please!!!
Signed, Jane
RingMaster
Reply
Dear Jane,
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favourite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.
Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with Heartbreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologise 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:/I APOLOGISE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete.
Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.
After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in the coming years.
We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
