Jokes

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 4:12 pm Post subject: Ladies Strike Back

Girls Strike Back

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 4:12 pm Post subject:

Why Dogs Are Better Than Men

* Dogs always think you're smart and don't make fun of your
shortcomings
* Dogs are willing to sleep on a rug and fetch on command
* Dogs spend less time worrying about hair loss
* Old buddies don't show up on doorstep unexpectedly
* Dogs are utterly disinterested in professional sports
* Your parents find them easier to like
* Dogs are rarely jealous of your former boyfriends
* Dogs are willing to hold your purse in public
* Unlikely to roll over and lose consciousness immediately following
intense play
* Dogs don't complain when you want to go for a walk
* Dogs are willing to eat anything you put on their plate and will always want more
* Dogs tend to bath themselves daily, men must be encouraged to do so
* You can put a dog in a crate when you don't feel like having it around
* Dogs expect to go outside on leashes... men think they can do everything on their own
* Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
* Dogs miss you when you're gone.
* You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
* Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
* Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
* Dogs don't criticize your friends.
* Dogs admit when they're jealous.
* Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
* Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
* Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know
the most important thing is that you're together.
* Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
* You can train a dog.
* Dogs are easy to buy for.
* Dogs are good with kids.
* Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
* You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
* Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
* Dogs understand what NO means.
* Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
* Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
* Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
* Dogs do not read at the table.
* You can house train a dog.
* You can force a dog to take a bath.
* Dogs don't correct your stories.
* Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
* Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
* Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
* Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
* Dogs love to dance
* Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
* Dogs admit it when they're lost.
* Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
* Dogs look at your eyes.
* Dogs like your size.
* Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
* Dogs take care of their own needs.
* Dogs are colour blind.
* Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
* Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
* Dogs are nice to your relatives.
* Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
* Dogs don't care how you dress.

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 4:13 pm Post subject:

The River

One day three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying "please God, give me the strength to cross this river".
Poof....
God gave him big arms and strong legs. Despite almost drowning a couple of times he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying "please God, give me the strength ... and the tools to cross this river".
Poof....
God gave him a rowboat. Despite almost capsizing the boat a couple of times, he was able to row across the river in about an hour.

The third man seeing how it had worked out for the other two, also prayed to God, saying "please God, give me the strength and the tools ..... and the intelligence to cross this river".
Poof.....
God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 4:14 pm Post subject:

21st century fairy tale

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond, in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said "elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother. You can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so".
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't think so!

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 4:14 pm Post subject:

Love of money

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.

"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!?

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a cheque."

Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 4:14 pm Post subject:

Glass eye

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 4:15 pm Post subject:

Sacrifice

There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

All of the men started clapping.

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 4:15 pm Post subject:

Comprehensive study

The following is a comprehensive federal study, approved by the Attorney General:
Everything Men Know About Women

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 4:15 pm Post subject:

Lost husband

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yeah, but who wants HIM back?"

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 4:16 pm Post subject:

Why ?

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "Why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she could love you."

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 1:36 am Post subject:

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 1:36 am Post subject:

A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her "mother of six" rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of six," he would say, "Get me a beer!" "Hey mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?" This type of situation persisted to a boiling point.
Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out, "Hey mother of six, I think it's time to go!"
The wife seized the moment and shouted back, "I'll be right with you -- father of four!"