Jokes

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 10:58 pm Post subject: Horse in a bar

A Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper. The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten Pound note for it.
Now the barman figures the horse isn't that bright, so he decides to pull the old 'short-change' trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with £1. The horse doesn't say a word. The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another.
The bartender says to him, "Y'know, we don't get many horses in here."
To which the horse replies, "At £9 a beer, I'm not surprised!"

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 10:59 pm Post subject:

One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
" Yeah, except today is the last night.

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:02 pm Post subject:

A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar.
A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?"
The bartender replies, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal."
And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word 'panda.'
"What's it say?" asks the bartender.
The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves."

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:10 pm Post subject:

There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, "can I help you"?
The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"
The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell raisins."
The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!
The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him?
The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"
The bartender said, "NO this is a BAR we don't sell raisins!" So the duck walked out again and left.
He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again!
The duck yelled at the bartender, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"
The bartender said, "NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there."
The duck said, "ok", and left.
The next day came and sure enough the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door.
He said, "quack, quack, got any nails?"
The bartender replied, "No!"
The duck said "Good, then you got any raisins?"

RingMaster · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 11:36 pm Post subject:

This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman...
She turns him down flat but the mushroom is persistent.
Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her...
"C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:30 pm Post subject:

Doctor: "It's no good. I can't find anything wrong with you. It must just be the effects of drinking."
Patient: "I'll come back when you're sober then!"

RingMaster · Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:31 pm Post subject:

Man: Doctor, me leg keeps talkin' to me.
Doc: Don't be ridiculous!
Leg: Lend us a fiver!
Man: Told ya.
Leg: Giz a tenner!
Doc: My God!
Leg: Eh Doc, can you spare 20 quid?
Doc: I know your problem. Your leg's broke!